Klinkinborgs Advice
Before
We can also raise awareness of the effect of social media is through science. Statistics is mathematical part of science, it touches on collection, analysis, and explanation of data. When people see the statistics of something it makes them feel like they’re not alone. Posting to social media the statistics of women affected by social media will show young women how many people feel the same way as they do. Young women will not go on their own time to look up this data, so posting it to social media is an effective way to raise awareness of the number of women who feel the same way they do. Science is more than just the typical experiments, and data collection. Writer Jonah Lehrer who wrote “The Future of Science…Is Art?,” explores science more, and gives it a different perspective. He mentions in his article, “The trajectory of science has proven to be a little more complicated. The more we know about reality-about its quantum mechanics and neutral origins-the more palpable its paradoxes become” (Lehrer). Science just like art, can open people’s minds. Science gives people a more technical response. That’s why together art and science can help raise awareness of the negative response of social media to women.
After
We can also raise awareness of the effect of social media, through science. Statistics is mathematical part of science. It touches on collection, analysis, and explanation of data. When people see the statistics of something it makes them feel like they’re not alone. Posting to social media the statistics of women affected by social media will show young women how many people feel the same way as they do. Young women will not go on their own time to look up this data. Posting it to social media is an effective way to raise awareness of the number of women who feel the same way they do. Science is more than just the typical experiments, and data collection. Writer Jonah Lehrer who wrote “The Future of Science…Is Art?,” explores science more, and gives it a different perspective. He mentions in his article, “The trajectory of science has proven to be a little more complicated. The more we know about reality-about its quantum mechanics and neutral origins-the more palpable its paradoxes become” (Lehrer). Science just like art. It can open people’s minds. Science gives people a more technical response. That’s why together art and science can help raise awareness of the negative response of social media to women.
Using Klinkinborgs advice, I shortened some of my sentences. And cleaned up my paper of un necessary points of in formation that was receptive. While shortening the sentences I found that it made the information more get to the point, and it made3 the paper have a better flow to it. I like how the paragraph now looks, and I will use his advice on the rest of my paper.
